Wax Story April 21, 2009

Not mine, but so funny nontheless:

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,play with the kids.

I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the nextfew hours:

‘Maybe should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.’

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those’cold wax’ kits.

No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in yourhand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg(or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be?

I mean, I’m not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough tofigure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each otherstuck together.

Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out thehair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (‘Cold wax,’ yeah…right!) Ilay the strip across my thigh.

Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn’t the best feeling, but it wasn’t too bad. I can do this!Hair removal no longer eludes me!

I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skinextraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north.

After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for theultimate hair fighting championship.

I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side ofmy bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching downto the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip)

I inhale deeply and brace myself….RRRRRRIIIIPPP!!!!

I’m blind!!!Blinded from pain!!!!….

OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I’ve only managed to pull off half thestrip. CRAP!


Another deep breath and RIPP!

Everything is spinning and spotted.I think I may pass out…must stay conscious…must stay conscious.

Do I hear crashing drums???

Breathe, breathe…………

OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy – a wax-covered strip, the one that has causedme so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it.

I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.

I hold up the strip!

There’s no hair on it.

Where is the hair???

WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.

I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip…it’s not!

I touch.

I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is nowcovered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake…remember my foot is still proppedupon the toilet?

I know I need to do something.

So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut!

My butt is sealed shut.

Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself …………………

‘Please don’t let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!’

What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!

I’ll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immersethe wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe itoff, right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub -The water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of waror sterilize surgical equipment – I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions gluedtogether, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom ofthe tub…in scalding hot water.

Which, by the way, doesn’t melt cold wax.

So, now I’m stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a fewmonths ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone.

It’s a very good conversation starter ‘So, my butt and hoo-ha are gluedtogether to the bottom of the tub!’

There is a slight pause. She doesn’t know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.

She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, ‘Are we talkingcheeks or hole or hoo-ha?’

She’s laughing out loud by now…I can hear her.

I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side ofthe box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!!

I should be the joke of someone else’s night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape thewax off with a razor.

Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hotwax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I’m pretty sure I’m going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace….the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point?

I rub some on and OH MY STARS !!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.

It’s sooo painful, but I really don’t care.

‘IT WORKS !!!It works !!! ‘

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair…

THE HAIR IS STILL THERE…ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I’m numb by now. Nothing hurts.

I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I’m going to try hair color ~~~

Let’s start at the very beginning…(a very good place to start!)

So, here goes…..

I am a 25 year wife and mother. My son, Kayden is 2 and a half and he lights up my whole world. He was an unplanned baby, but so loved and wanted. I was at a very bad stage in my life when I fell pregnant and I truly believe that he saved me from myself.

His dad and I met in a bar early one morning and we had an instant attraction. We had a very brief (4 weeks) fling and conceived our little boy. He was in a relationship at the time, and I wasn’ t sure where I stood. I was totally in love with him and I had fantasies of telling him that I was pregnant with his child and he would be over the moon and we would get married and ride off into the sunset to raise our child together.

JA right….. reality set in very quickly once I had uttered the words “I’m pregnant”.
He didn’t believe that the baby was his and to cut a LOOOOOONG sad story short, I went through the whole pregnancy by myself. Thank G.od I have such wonderful parents who took me in and provided for me totally. I had just left my job and sold my car with the big plan to go overseas and make my fortune, when I found out that I was pregnant.
So, here I was. No home, no car, no job and no partner.
My parents, the saints that they are, took me in and paid for everything. All my doctors appointments, everything that the baby needed, and everything that I needed. I am so eternally grateful for everything that they did, and continue to do for me.

The 9 months of my pregnancy went by without too many hiccups, and only one phonecall from the dad…

On the 19th of September I became mom to my beautiful little boy. He was born with a cleft of the soft palate (which is another story for another day), but he was totally perfect to me!

When he was 2 weeks old, I sms’d his father to say that he had been born, just as a FYI kinda thing. He replied the next morning to say that he wanted to schedule a paternity test to prove that he was the father. I mean, seriously, one look at the baby and there was no doubt who his dad was. But ANYWAY, I digress. We went for the test and it came back as 99.9% that he was the father.

There are many things that I can fault the dad for, but he really loves his son. And it isn’t my intention to use this blog as a tirade against him, or other single dad’s. This info is purely to help set the tone for the rest of the blog.

It became clear that he was going to stay with the girl that he was seeing, and he went on to marry her (in March 2008) – and I became a very single mom.

I feel like a fraud for saying that I am a single mom because I had such a support system. My parents, brother and sister and the two best friend anyone could ask for.

I went back to work when Kayden was 4 months old, and that lead to another job where I am now. I love my job and I am very lucky to work for a very understanding woman who is a mother as well, so she really understands how it is!

I was very happy being a single mom. Of course I wished that I could get my own house, etc, but I tried not to let it get me down. Even when my two best friends got married in 2007. It was VERY hard for me, but I was convinced that my match was out there!

In January of 2008 I got a message from a guy via an online dating site that I had joined a few years earlier. He seemed very sweet and we started chatting online. We chatted for a few weeks and then met for drinks one Sunday afternoon. I remember coming home and telling my family that I had just met the man I was going to marry.

Our relationship progressed very quickly and after 4 months we were living together and in September (on Kayden’s birthday) he asked me to be his wife!

On the 27th of December we had a very intimate garden wedding at my sisters house and it was perfect. I can honestly say thatI have married my best friend and I can’t wait to see what life has in store for us!

We are going to start trying to have a another baby at the end of the year, and I can’t wait to become the mother of his child.

So, that is it in a nutshell. There is so much more to say. So much more that made me who I am today, but for now – this will do!

xx

Where do I start?

I have been following so many blogs for so long now (anonymously of course), that I thought it was time I started my own!

So welcome to my blog…..

I can’t always guarantee laughter or tears, or anything spectacular for that matter, but I will always tell it like it is. No bull$h1t from me……… ever. A brutally honest look at my life as a Not-So-Single-Mom!

Enjoy

xx