I’ve been MIA September 9, 2009

I’ve been a bad, bad blogger. I know that I have said that before, and I also promised that I would write more often, but life got in the way.

I moved my blog because a friend was unhappy that I was writing about them. I respect her and her wishes, so that’s why the move.

Life has been pretty much the same really. I can’t believe that it is September already. My sweet little boy is going to be 3 in 10 days! The very thought of it makes me sad. It seems like just yesterday that I was holding that sweet newborn in my arms for the first time.

I thought that I would’ve had another one by now, but alas that plan has been put on hold until next year. My DH just isn’t that keen to use all our spare money on a baby. We will get there eventually I suppose. For now I am content with my little family.

Con’s parents are getting married in November (weird I know), so we will be making the long drive up North for that. I have never been to the house where he grew up, so it should be interesting. I’m not looking forward to spending 12 hours in the car with a 3 year old though.

Enough waffling.

LOOK!  Birthday invitation Isn’t my husband so clever?

I am so looking forward to spending the day with family and friends, celebrating my angels 3rd birthday!

On another note, Kayden’s dad and stepmom had their first child on the 3rd of September. Another little boy, Blayne. So, we welcome another baby into our weird little “family” 🙂

I will try write more. No promising.

xx

I’m not the only one…. July 10, 2009

who thinks Robert Pattison from Twilight is dreamy…..

http://www.mtv.com/videos/movies/408225/if-br252no-had-landed-on-rpattz.jhtml

I tried to embed it, but it wouldn’t work – click on the link – WORTH the bandwidth.

Bwahahahahahaha!

Seriously though, I would have a problem remembering my wedding vows if that man wanted to do the nasty with me. Thankfully, the chances of that are slim 🙂 or 😦  depends on my mood of the day!

Have a lovely weekend.

 

xx

Fish Hoek is famous! July 7, 2009

I found this site last night:

http://hayibo.com/articles/view/1029

http://hayibo.com/articles/view/776

Seriously some funny things that were said about Fish Hoek.

I really don’t think that Fish Hoek is a depressing place. Ok, maybe Fish Hoek itself is quite sad, but the surrounding areas are gorgeous. I happen to think that we live in one of the most places in the world.

Take this weekend for example. The weather was divine, and there wasn’t a breath of wind. I bought some really cute dresses for summer from Pick n Pay, and I was actually able to wear them this weekend! It is JULY?? We are not supposed to be sitting outside in the sun. We are supposed to be snuggled up in bed and watching movies. Not that I am complaining….. It was awesome just soaking up the sun!

In other unrelated news, Kayden has mumps. Poor little chicken is really battling with it as well. He was awake from 4am, just lying there saying “ouch Mom”. I dosed him up with Ponstan and put him in my bed. It’s funny how kids only want their moms when they are sick.

Con also has flu, and we ALL know how deadly that man-flu is 🙂 Bless him.

I have to work, so I will try post again in the middle of all my nursing.

xx

Recurring dream July 3, 2009

I have had the same dream for the past 7 years. Well, it isn’t exactly the same,  but the general theme is identical.

I dream about him. Jaco. My first love. The man I would’ve married if he hadn’t died.

My huband knows about this, and he knows that I will always love Jaco and there is a part of my heart that he can never have because I gave it to Jaco all those years ago. The same piece that died with him on the 16th of October 2002.

I will never be the same person again. He took with him the carefree, optimistic Kerri and replaced her with me. The clingy, needy, pessimistic, scared little girl that I am today.

I know everyone thinks that I am over it. I will NEVER be over it. The pain of that loss is so deeply etched into my soul that I don’t think I will ever fully recover. I miss him more today than I have in the past nearly 7 years. Every time I drive past his house my stomach falls into my shoes. I can still see him everywhere I go. Every place that we went to together holds a memory that is so painful it is difficult to express.

You see July was our month. The month that we realised that we felt more for each other than just friendship. We were honest to each other about our feelings on the 28th of July 2000. Still one of the best days of my life. He was my first kiss, and I was his first. It was sweet, and innocent and special.

Who’s to say if we would still be together today? I can’t say for certain. We were young. We had just started our lives. But I know that he loved me. I know that he would hate it that I woke up this morning crying because I had dreamt about it. I know he would hate it that as I am sitting here the tears are falling onto the table below me.

This is my outlet. No-one wants to hear that my heart still aches when I see his family. It is easier for everyone to think that I have moved on. That I am married now, and I have forgotten about that terrible part of my life.

I love my husband. Deeply. I love him in a way I never got to love Jaco. Jaco is still a boy in my memory. I don’t know what kind of man he would be today. I never got the chance to love him as a fiance, or a husband or as the father of my children. But every day I mourn for that loss. I mourn for our future that we had planned down to the last detail. We even knew what we were going to call our children: Jennifer Rose, and Caleb Hunter. I can’t ever use those names now. It would be a painful reminder every day that those names were not meant for mine and Con’s children. They were meant to be mine and Jaco’s.

God, I just wish that I could see him one more time. To tell him that I love him so much and that I always will.

Nothing will change that he is my first love. Nothing will change that he made me feel like the most loved woman on the planet. Nothing will change that it is because of him I wouldn’t settle for any man who didn’t treat me the way he did. Nothing will change that I am married to a wonderful man who loves me so much that he can accept that I am who I am becuase of Jaco.

I will honour his memory for the rest of my life. I will love him and his family for the rest of my life. I will remember him for the rest of my life. And one day when my time on this Earth is done, I will meet him again. Of this I am certain.

I love you Jaco. Thank you for the time that I had with you. Although the end was painful, I would rather have had 2 short years with you than none at all.

I have to let you go now. I have to move on. I have to believe in my heart that this is how you would want it.

Till we meet again……

Welcome to WordPress July 2, 2009

I know, it isn’t pretty like my old one, but it is much better at keeping certain things private. Hopefully in time, it will also look as pretty as the old one!

I will definitely be posting more now, so look out!

Much love

xx

I am 68% addicted to blogging! July 1, 2009

68%How Addicted to Blogging Are You?

Click on the logo to see how addicted you are to blogging!

I am a failure at blogging.

I really thought that I would be brilliant at posting every day, but alas…. I would rather read about other people’s lives than write about my own boring one!

Not that there isn’t SO much to write about, but I am so scared that what I want to say will be read by the wrong people. I am really looking into moving my blog to a place where I can password protect certain ranting posts.

But for now, I will be politically correct.

xx

Twitter June 19, 2009

I have to admit something…..

I get starstruck really easily.

There are two local actors that live in my area, and when I see them in the shops, I can’t help but follow them around. Just to see what they are buying. Just being near them makes me feel important.

I am totally one of those people who craves attention and recognition. It is such an awful thing to admit, but it is what it is…..

So, when I discovered that you could follow REAL-LIFE famous people on Twitter – I was H.O.O.K.E.D

This is bad people. Between Facebook, my blogging addiction and now Twitter – I don’t think I will have time for the real people in my life.

I think about deleting all my accounts, disappearing off the social radar, but then what?
How will I ever achieve world-wide fame? 🙂

It just occurred to me that I reveal a lot of very horrible things about myself on such a public place ~ so, if anyone actually reads this blog, make a comment…. share your deepest, darkest ugliest part of yourself. You can do it anonymously if you wish (chicken-shit)!

Hope to hear from you all! 🙂

xx

p.s – follow me on twitter notsosinglemom

2 posts? Could you be any luckier? June 13, 2009

I need a hobby.

Something that I can do when Con is working/writing/playing games (clearly he has no hobby dilemas)

Any suggestions?

• I am not arty. (I really wish I was though)
• I would LOVE to scrapbook, but damn (!) that shit is EXPENSIVE, oh, and I think you need to be arty (see point number 1) damn
• I am generally a very lazy person. Minimal input, maximum output

Does the perfect hobby exist for me??

Any and all suggestions welcome!

xx

Where do I even start?

I haven’t blogged for so long, I’m not even sure I remember how. I really need to find a time do do this more regularly, because I really love to blog.

Let me do a summary; since I have been gone:

I have had a birthday! Yes, I am 26 now – halfway to 52 (thanks Kez)
I have worked (what’s new)
I have cooked, cleaned and looked after Kayden
…. see? I told you my life is boring at the moment.

Right now, it is 07:00am, and I am still in bed. Con is fast asleep next to me, because he has worked past midnight every night last week. Bless him, he is working so hard to get overtime to pay off all our debt so that we can have the lives that we want. Seriously?? How did I get so lucky to marry a man like him? Really, he loves me despite the fact that once a month for about a week I turn into a raging lunatic; I am really overweight at the moment and he never makes me feel anything less than the most beautiful woman in the world; he loves Kayden – which is the best thing in my opinion.

But enough blowing sunshine up his ass, he reads this blog, and I don’t want him to get a big head or anything! (love u angel)

I am really struggling with stuff at the moment, so you will have to forgive me for the erratic posting and rambling thoughts. I am feeling very lost at the moment.

I am not sure if my friends read this, but even if they do – I can’t deny the things that are happening in my life anymore. I am going to talk about how I feel, and maybe at some point I will move this blog so that people that know me IRL can’t read it. I’m not sure yet.

I am lonely. My best friend and I have drifted apart, and I am blaming myself. I really have been making the effort lately, but I think the damage has been done. Which makes me really sad. I feel like I don’t have that one person anymore that I can phone at 2am because I had a dream that she will think is funny. Or spend hours talking about shit because we have nothing better to talk about. I’m not sure how to make this right. There are only so many times that I can say I am sorry. I can’t take back what happened, as much as I would like to. Things have been said and done.

The bottom line is: I am a selfish person. I like to be with C and K on the weekends. When K is with his dad, I like to be alone with C because we never really had that “dating” phase where we were alone all the time, and could do whatever we want. So, we value that time alone. C is also a very anti-social person. He doesn’t like to be around people. This makes my life very difficult. I want to see my friends, but I also want him around.

I am going to confess something now: I am a very demanding, clingy woman. I know, I know. I am totally that woman who wants to be around her husband all the time.

The only reason I can think of, is that I have lost someone. And when he died, I was filled with regret about the time that we spent apart.

Believe me, I know that this is a fault, and I am trying very hard to live my own life. I know that it is important. I know, I know, I know.

I just can’t wait for her to come home now. I want to fix our friendship. I miss her. I miss us. I want things to be the way they were. I wish I could make her life easier. I wish she could have a baby. I wish I could go back in time and make things right, but I can’t. I can only change the here and now.

And I intend to.

I really feel sorry for anyone reading this. It is the most incoherant rambling of my thoughts. But I had to get it down. I had to say it “out loud”.

Thanks for listening reading.

xx

Don’t get too excited June 3, 2009

I am still here.

I am working at work, and I am working at home…. same old, same old.

Hopefully I will be inspired with something blog-worthy soon.

My life is pretty boring and lonely at the moment.

I will update tonight.

xx